Category Archives: politics

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Talking About Tragedy

[Image: Michelle McLoughlin/Reuters]

[Image: Michelle McLoughlin/Reuters]

Thinking about the events that occurred in Newtown, CT today, less than 75 miles from my home, I can barely begin to articulate the complex emotions I’ve experienced.
We’re just starting to piece together the facts about this tragedy.
I think it will be awhile before we, as a collective whole, emerge from the emotional shock that has left most of us simultaneously numb and reeling.

One thing I can say for certain, though, is this:
Now is not the time to let this go.

Many have suggested that there needs to be a “cooling off” period.
That it’s somehow disrespectful to engage in a national discourse about some of the root issues behind this atrocity while people are grieving.

I used to agree.

I used to think that those of us not immediately impacted by tragic events needed to stand back; to abandon conversations about the larger issues in order to reflect on the lives lost in a reverent silence.

Now, I think otherwise.

Now, I believe that in order to demonstrate respect and consideration for the lives lost to unfathomable violence, we must  carry on these conversations. We cannot wait.

Here’s why:

We waited after Columbine…and three months later, there was another shooting. 12 people were killed in Atlanta. We waited again, and another two months later, seven people were killed in Ft. Worth.

In the past two years alone, there have been 11 mass shootings. Let that sink in for a minute.

  • January 8, 2011: 6 killed, 19 total shot in Tucson, AZ
  • September 6, 2011: 5 killed, 12 total shot in Carson City, NV
  • April 2, 2012: 7 killed in Oakland, CA
  • April 6, 2012: 3 killed, 5 total shot in Tulsa, OK
  • May 29, 2012: 5 killed in Seattle, WA
  • July 20, 2012: 12 killed, 58 wounded in Aurora, CO
  • August 5, 2012: 6 killed, 4 others wounded in Oak Creek, WI
  • September 27, 2012: 5 shot, 3 others wounded in Minneapolis, MN
  • December 11, 2012: 2 killed in Clackamas Town Center, OR
  • December 14,2012: at least 27 killed in Newtown, CT

Looking at this list, it’s apparent (to me, at least) that we don’t have TIME to wait. Not if we want to avoid further tragedy. Not if we want to protect human lives

I’m not just talking about gun control, either. We need to look at the big picture, and figure out WHY people are killing in the first place, not just HOW they’re doing it.

Gun regulation/control reform may be one element, but honestly, it’s like trying to dam up a raging river with a box of toothpicks. (I was going to use the bandaid metaphor, but I can’t even bring myself to use that sort of imagery right now.) We need to be looking at comprehensive healthcare reform as well, allowing for increased access to mental health services. We need to implement some sort of support for the people who need it. Our entire society could probably use some sort of overhaul, because we’re obviously missing some important warning signs.

This isn’t about political posturing. This isn’t about furthering personal interests. This is about preserving human life and well-being. Without that, what the hell does anything else even matter?

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On Language, Repression, and Power


I’ve been discussing the Tumblr post by Unwinona for the better part of the past 24 hours. There’s a lot to be said, here, and I don’t expect that the discourse will end anytime soon. For the most part, this is a good thing. This is a conversation that needs to happen.

I just received a comment that I think sums up a perspective many people hold, so I thought I’d address it here (in addition to responding to the comment directly). The comment said:

Maybe it’s unrelated, but I think it’s related and it boggles my mind — when women call themselves bitches/whores/etc. as though it’s a good thing or they’re proud or something like that. “Lydia is such a skank :) look at that dress…” “I love you, you whore :) ” or even directly about themselves “I’m a bitch!” in a bragging tough tone…….really? Being so called down all the time that you have to label yourself or each other with derogatory terms in order to feel like you’re strong and you’ve got the power is just a really sad and illogical state of affairs. As much as the culture needs to tell people it’s not okay to abuse women (or anyone), it and they themselves (or should I be saying we…but I don’t do that, but anyway) have to stop berating themselves as some twisted way of raising themselves up again or grasping at some weird semblance of respect and strength……going around calling yourself and other women bitches and sluts and then complaining when guys repeat what they’re hearing…….stop giving them ideas, you know? >_> It tells them it’s okay just as much as not being scolded publicly for their behaviour. And I will clarify that I’m not ‘blaming’ or seeking to blame the victims – obviously they’re also repeating what they hear etc. – I’m just pointing out the fact that it really really doesn’t help anything…very detrimental, in fact. Not a good coping mechanism. Something that’s also a lot easier to stop than trying to control the guys’ behaviours.

My response:

It’s not an uncommon thing for groups that have been repressed to try and “reclaim” terms that have been used by others to degrade them. The practice is a controversial one for all of the reasons you’ve mentioned (see also terms like “fag”, the “n” word, etc.). There is a huge difference, however, between “reclaiming” a word, and using the same term to degrade someone else. When a person uses such a term to refer to him/herself, it is often a way of saying to others “you can no longer use this term to hold me down”. When a woman uses the word “Bitch” or “Whore” with pride, it becomes empowering…it shifts the power from the oppressors…those who would use the term in an insulting manner to try and make a woman feel ashamed of her behavior…and turns it around, putting the power in the hands of the woman, who is not only claiming responsibility for herself and her actions, but also claiming pride for those things. In essence, it equates to: “Yes, I AM a woman. Yes I AM vocal/opinionated/loud/educated/sexual/etc…AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. This is who I am, and I’m not going to let someone else try and twist that and use it against me in a way that is hurtful.” In cases where a person/group of people have been so disenfranchised, sometimes reclaiming a single phrase that has been used against them, or reclaiming some aspect of their identity is the ONLY means they have toward gaining any sort of power. Sometimes, its the ONLY way they can safely fight back against the hatred that is flung toward them. Is it sad and illogical? Perhaps. But you can’t blame people for using what they’ve got to try and gain some leverage.

I get what you’re saying, but I cringe when I hear things like “stop giving them ideas, you know?”
We’re not talking about children, here. We’re talking about grown adults. And when it comes to men calling women “bitches”, “sluts”, “whores”, etc…I can guarantee you it is NOT because they hear women referring to themselves that way. There is a big difference between the connotations, and most adults know full-well what that difference is. Putting the responsibility back on those who have been subject to abuse and repression only serves to perpetuate the cycle. Most men know that it is NOT ok to call a woman any of these things, just like most white people wouldn’t walk into the Apollo and start slinging around the “N” word. And it isn’t just because someone once said we shouldn’t…it’s because we have an understanding of what the words mean within a certain context. When a guy starts complaining about me expressing my opinion (when all of the guys we’ve been hanging out with have just done the same without the bat of an eyelash), I very well may stand up and say “You’re damn right. I’m a bitch who knows what she’s talking about, and if that’s too much for you, that’s too bad”. I may turn to my friend who’s been laying on the charm thick at work to get tips and jokingly say “you’re such a slut”. But I wouldn’t use these terms with my grandmother. I wouldn’t use these terms with my students. And I *certainly* wouldn’t use these terms in a way that is intentionally hurtful toward strangers.

A big part of the difference is familiarity. I can be self-depricating. I can even crack jokes about my family members, because I *know* them, and because I love them. I do it in a way that is both honest and affectionate…it serves to build a narrative, rather than to tear someone else down. Its the difference between affection and hatred. When I call my friend a “fag” (something I do very rarely, and only in certain settings because I’m fully aware that many people won’t understand), its clear to the both of us that I mean “You’re uninhibited and flamboyant, and I love that about you”. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the intent of others.

As a linguist and a writer, I pay a lot of attention to the power of words. I know that inherently, words are just that. “Bitch” might as well be “car” or “sunset” or “mariposa”. The power lies in the connotation and the intent. Just as the women who wrote and responded to the original Tumblr post explain that they have no way of knowing whether the men who approach them are simply nice guys looking for conversation or psychopaths who might rape and/or murder them, so they’re essentially forced to respond in the same manner regardless in the interest of their own safety, a similar thing is true for these words/phrases. Unless you know a person well, there’s no way to tell whether a word is being used affectionately or as a slur. No way to tell whether it’ll be followed up with a hug, or a punch to the face. In the interest of safety, these words are typically viewed as hostile when used by strangers. As a result, its in the best interest of most of us not to go slinging them around carelessly.

This still doesn’t mean that a person who *does* use such a term to refer to themselves or someone else affectionately is deserving of degradation by someone else as a result. Just because a person calls themselves a “bitch” doesn’t give me carte blanche to call them a bitch. Doing so is ignorant, arrogant, and presumptuous.
I refuse to make excuses for people to go around abusing others. Adults know better. Children need to be taught better. I don’t care what anyone else does…we all know better, and we deserve better. Period.

Further reading:
AD Galinsky: The Reappropriation of Stigmatizing Labels: Implications for Social Identity
The Funny Feminist: On Reclaiming Bitch
Clare Bayley: Bitch: A History
Kait Mauro: Why I Won’t “Reclaim Bitch”
Womanist Musings: Reclaiming Language and Who ‘Gets’ to Say What
Brilliant Mind, Broken Body: Social Justice–Reclaiming Language
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It’s Not My Fault I’m Pretty

I want you to go and read this post. Go on. I’ll still be here when you come back.

I’m sitting on my couch, repeatedly taking deep breaths in, and then exhaling through an open mouth. I’ve got tears pricking at my eyes, and my heart is pounding. I’m sure there are many others who just read that post who are having similar responses. And, of course, there are others who are saying “well, sure, what happened to that woman was terrible. That’s just fucked up. That poor girl. I understand feeling bad for her… But why are YOU having such an intense response? I mean, this isn’t YOUR problem, right?”…right?

Here are a few memories…things that still make me nauseous when I think about them. Things that I haven’t told many people, but are important enough that I’m willing to share publicly now in the interest of illustrating just how common these occurrences are:

I’m in kindergarten. Five years old. We’re in gym class. I’m wearing black leggings with a reinforced crotch. I remember this, because while we’re doing pushups, my gym teacher (a man) walks over, pats me on my butt and says “got a little extra padding there, eh?”.
Being five years old, I immediately thought he was referring to my leggings…I thought he somehow knew about the little white panel stitched to the inside, and I became embarrassed. I never mentioned it to anyone, and it was years later that I realized what was actually implied.

Its my first semester in college. I ride the bus with a few friends of mine…kids I’ve known off and on since elementary school. I don’t remember the circumstances, but I end up going to the one guy’s house after class to hang out. He lived on a sidestreet downtown, and when we got there, no one else was home. I thought we were just going to hang out, maybe watch tv or something. He apparently expected more. All I can remember is him pulling on me, and me squirming away. He grabbed my arm or something…tried to pin me. I got angry and scared at the same time, and I complained that it hurt. He was mad at me for being a “tease” or something, despite the fact that he knew I was interested in someone else, despite the fact that I was wearing baggy jeans and a hoodie, despite the fact that I’d done nothing but agree to hang out after school. I somehow managed to get out of there relatively unscathed. I don’t know if I fully realized what had happened, but I was shaking as I half-walked, half-ran home.

I’m in my early twenties, staying at my ex boyfriend’s house because I have nowhere else to go. I’m upstairs, folding laundry and putting my books away when my ex’s older brother walks in the room. He pulls on the top of my tanktop, making some remark about “showing some skin”, and then tries to tug on my skirt. I pull quickly away from him, and he says that I “owe” it to him for staying in “his” house. I shut myself in the bathroom until I hear his mother come in downstairs. Later on, I tell my ex about what his brother did. His response? A nonchalant “that’s probably not the first time”.

I’m 26, and I’m at the bar with my boyfriend. It’s a place we go fairly frequently…we know the owner and the bartenders. I’m pretty comfortable there. He’s off talking to some friends outside, and I sit at the bar to relax and enjoy my drink. An older man is sitting a couple of barstools down from me. He mentions that he teaches English at the Culinary Institute. He also works for a local publication. I’m substituting at the time, hoping to get a more permanent teaching position. I sip my drink and we talk about literature and standardized testing, and various teaching techniques. I’m pretty thrilled to have met an experienced colleague.  After maybe half an hour of conversation, though, things start to get weird. My boyfriend comes in and stops by to “check in” before he walks back to the bathrooms. The guy I’ve been talking to looks irritated, and tells me my boyfriend is “too young” for me. I laugh, and explain that he’s actually four years older than I am. “He’s too young.”, he repeats.
I go outside to retrieve my phone from the car. As I’m walking back toward the bar, the “professor” walks up to me and offers me a cigarette. I decline. He motions for me to walk with him toward the corner to talk, which I do, against my better judgement. He starts telling me how I’m very smart, and pretty, and how I deserve someone who understands me, and who truly appreciates me. I try to interject, to explain that I think I have that, but he’s not listening. He says “I’m going to tell you what I tell my daughters. They’re 12 and 15. I think you’d like them.”, and then continues on about all of the things he thinks I need. He told me I was obviously confused.
A friend of mine walked by as he was leaving the bar, and I called out to him, desperate for the excuse to get away. The “professor” showed obvious disappointment, and told me that I should know that “an older man has really liked” me.

The circumstances may be different, but the general themes are always the same. I’m alone, and some guy starts talking to me. Sometimes I’m ok with having a general conversation. Sometimes I really just want to be left alone, but I’m trying to be polite. Always, some line is crossed. Whenever I try to turn down the guy’s advances, I’m told I’m “confused”, or I don’t know what I want, or I don’ t know what’s “good” for me.
If I get angry, or if I assert myself, I’m a “bitch”, a “cunt”, or a “tease”.
Maybe my life isn’t overtly threatened…but how do I ever know for sure whether I’m really safe?

This is why I don’t go out alone. This is why if I do end up alone, even for just a minute, I’ll wear a ring on my left hand, and try to cover up my cleavage. It’s why, whenever asked, I always say I have a boyfriend, and I spend a lot of time “checking” my phone. It’s why I always turn down the offers of others to buy me drinks. It’s why I sit on the bus and stare intently out the window until my stop. It’s why I’ve perfected the routine of pretending to be deaf, ignoring the hollers and come-ons as I walk down the street, and ignoring the insults that are slung my way when I don’t act grateful for the unsolicited “compliments”.

As much as I hate having to deal with guys who somehow feel entitled to something from me, I think what I hate even more is my own response. I want to lash out…I want to tell these guys to fuck off. I want to punch them in the nuts when they breathe down my neck or tug on my clothes. But I never do any of that. Instead, I shut down. I become paralyzed. I smile, and I get quiet, because it seems like a really bad idea to piss these guys off. So I end up feeling weak, and small, and my politeness is used as justification for further advances. I’m left with the choice of either inadvertently encouraging these guys, or further risking my well-being. I’m weak, or I’m a manipulative bitch. Regardless, I lose.

So many people I know think this is the exception to the norm. The countless women who have come forward on the original Tumblr post, on my Facebook page, and in countless other forums telling similar tales would lead me to believe otherwise.

I know that there are some very good, honorable men out there. Men with integrity, and respect for women. But there are still plenty of men who think they’re somehow “owed” something. Men who think that avoiding the humiliation of being turned down is somehow worth violating the comfort and/or rights or another human being.

So what do we do?
Well, acknowledging that this is a problem is a start.
Making it clear that this sort of thing is prevalent, AND is unacceptable…
Raising our young men to respect women, and other people in general…(and themselves)
Changing the BS system that puts full responsibility on women…
Stopping the victim-blaming that is so prevalent in our culture…
I don’t know that these things will completely stop the problem, but they’d go a long way.

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Facebook, Politics, and Police States

Not-sure-If-I-hate-facebook

As you may have been able to guess from my last couple of posts, Facebook conversations are probably the largest trigger of rage in my daily life. I suspect that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I fully understand that I could just pull the plug. Delete my profile, or at the very least, stop reading my feed. Like many others, however, I’ve got a number of people (including my brother who is currently serving in Afghanistan) who I don’t really have direct contact with otherwise. I don’t chat on the phone, and people don’t really e-mail anymore outside of business- and annoying religious and political-themed chain e-mails. The bigger problem with walking away from Facebook, for me anyway, is that it doesn’t actually solve anything. I’d just be subscribing to the “ignorance is bliss” ideology, and well, I think that’s bullshit.
I sort of feel like a hypocrite tonight. Back in the fall, when the Occupy Movement had just started gaining steam, I found myself frustrated at the level of indifference amongst many of my acquaintances, and really, people in general. I couldn’t understand how people just really didn’t seem to care about things that affected them. I wanted to rally people up.”Open your eyes!” “Fight for your rights!” and all that jazz.

And yet here I am, two steps away from smashing my head against the keyboard because people are doing just that. More specifically, people are outraged because of recent changes to the law in LA County  that effectively ban the use of frisbees and footballs on beaches between Labor Day and Memorial Day.

The term “police state” has come up more than once in discussion of this issue. It blows my mind, particularly when you consider that this is really nothing new. The LA County ordinance is merely a revision of  already-existing laws on the books, and in fact is somewhat more liberal than the old laws. The law which previously read:

It is unlawful for any person to cast, toss, throw, kick, or roll any ball, tube, or any light object other than inflated rubber balls not less than 10 inches in diameter upon or over any beach regulated by this Part 3…

Has been amended to read:

A. General Prohibition: It is unlawful for any person to cast, toss, throw, kick, or roll any ball, tube, or any light object other than a beach ball or beach volleyball upon or over any beach except the following:

  1. In an area that may be established and/or designated for such use by the Director.
  2. When the person first obtains a permit by the Director to conduct such activity.
  3. When using a water polo ball in or over the Pacific Ocean opposite such beach.
  4. When using any other object over or in the Pacific Ocean opposite such beach, the person first obtains previous authorization from the Fire Chief or ocean lifeguard to conduct such activity.

B. Exception for Off-Season: The ball-playing restrictions set forth in subsection A shall not be applicable during the period between Labor Day and Memorial Day, provided the involved ball-playing activity is carried out in such a manner so as not to endanger any person or property on or near the beach. In no event shall any structure or improvement used for ball-playing purposes be placed on the beach without the previous authorization of the Director.

You see how that’s a bit different than “omgggg the 5-0 are trying to steal our good time!!!”?
I suspect that the ordinance only exists in the first place due to the inability of some people to use common sense, and the tendency of those very same people to be kind of lawsuit-happy, but I can’t say for sure. It really doesn’t matter to me. This isn’t the authorities saying “You can’t play ball”. This is the authorities saying “You can’t play ball in the middle of this crowded area unless the lifeguard says it’s ok, because we don’t want to have to deal with someone freaking out because they got railed in the head. Take your ball over there. Or use a beach ball. You know, something that is less likely to give someone a bloody nose if they get in your way.”

But maybe that’s just me.

I also suspect that I’m one of very few people who actually bothered to read the ordinance. Many of the media outlets even got the facts wrong, with initial reports stating that anyone in violation of the ordinance would be subject to a $1,000 fine (the actual fine is either $100, $300, or $500, depending on the number of offenses).

Maybe I’d feel better about the outrage if people were better informed, and it didn’t seem like they were just manipulating facts to suit their own agendas. Maybe I’d be ok with it if the people complaining ever did anything to facilitate change, rather than just playing the part of armchair critic on Facebook. I’m certain I’d feel a whole lot better if this hyperawareness and outrage extended further than the featured article on Yahoo! News…but that isn’t the case.


I know that isn’t the case, because I have yet to see a single mention of Syria. If someone can’t play frisbee wherever the hell they want to, we cry and stomp our feet and call it a police state. But  an actual situation where people’s basic human rights are at stake is met with silence.

I suppose it’s a good thing that people care at all, but I can’t help but feel angry and frustrated. I’m still screaming, “Open your eyes!”

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Domestic Violence and Dinner Dates

If this keeps up, I’m going to need a cape. Good thing I have some friends who know how to sew!

Today’s ridiculous Facebook debate comes to us courtesy of Judge Hurley, in Broward County Florida, who ordered the defendant in a domestic violence case to take his wife out on a date.

  • “Not to defend a potential wife-beater, but…” reads a lot to me like “Not to sound racist, but…” Whenever someone says something like this, you can pretty much rest assured that whatever comes next is doing exactly what they say they’re trying not to do.
  • “She also noted that she doesn’t fear him attacking her.” I feel like anyone who would say something like this obviously has no knowledge whatsoever about domestic violence whatsoever. In many cases of domestic violence, the victim will side with the defendant because either 1)they’re in love with the person and don’t want to see anything bad happen to them/don’t want to “get them in trouble”, or 2)they’re afraid of what will happen if they speak out against the defendant. For a woman to stand in front of her attacker in court and say right out that she’s afraid he’s going to hurt her again is pretty rare, especially when there are the legal and emotional complications of marriage involved.
  • “ Basically, the judge awarded what she wanted and asked for. If you think he’s wrong, you’re saying the wife (the victim) should not be listened too.” Gahhhh. The combination of ignorance and audacity in this statement has me wanting to run around, flailing and screaming as though my clothing just spontaneously caught fire. Again, there’s seemingly no understanding of what happens in domestic violence cases. As I pointed out in my response, when you’re attacked by someone you care deeply about, who you trusted, there’s a lasting psychological impact. Oftentimes, you’re not fully able to see the repercussions of the situation. You may not have any visible bruises, and you may think you’re just fine…until you’re standing next to someone who reaches for something next to you, or who swats at a mosquito, and you suddenly flinch. Maybe it isn’t even that obvious. Maybe you catch a certain scent, or hear a particular sound, and next thing you know you’re in the midst of a full blown panic attack, and can’t quite figure out why. In many cases, the victim just wants things to return to normal, as quickly as possible. And sometimes, that means going back to their assailant, and acting as though nothing happened. Problem is, something did happen, and by failing to address it, we only heighten the risk of re-occurrence. I think the reverse logic this commenter used is what really disturbs me. It’s clear manipulation…”well if you’re really concerned with what’s best for the victim…” No. Just no. There are times when people aren’t necessarily capable of expressing (or even acknowledging) what is in their best interests. Immediately following an assault? That’s one of those times. That is one of the reasons why many places will have the victim represented by an advocate in court. That doesn’t mean that the advocate just makes a decision on their client’s behalf. Rather, the advocate speaks with their client at length in order to develop a clear picture of what the circumstances are, and what their client wishes to happen. Their job is to obtain a result that both protects their client and upholds their client’s wishes. Protecting their client’s well-being and preventing re-occurrence is the primary focus. Giving the client what they want is secondary.

This article refers to the judge as “perceptive”. I find that description laughable, at best. It seems to me that Judge Hurley is ignorant. Whether it was his intent or not, he has set a precedence with this “untraditional” sentence. Judge Hurley has essentially told the community of Broward County that it is just fine to assault your partner, so long as you don’t leave any visible marks, and you take them out on a date afterward.
Cycle of Violence in abusive relationships

Judge Hurley obviously doesn’t know (or care) that those who are well-practiced in abuse (god, it makes me nauseous to even type that out) know exactly where to grab or hit so that they don’t leave visible bruises. Seasoned abusers know just what to say to manipulate their victims into thinking it was an accident, or that the assault was somehow the victim’s fault. The “honeymoon phase” is a part of the cycle of violence in an abusive relationship. During this phase, it is common for the abuser to lavish his/her partner with gifts and attention. By turning on the charm, the abuser hopes to assuage his/her guilt and to regain the trust of his/her partner. The problem is that most don’t seek help to address the underlying issues, so it isn’t long before the abusive behavior re-emerges. In handing down this ridiculous sentence, and dismissing the impact that domestic violence so often has, Judge Hurley is just re-enforcing the cycle of abuse, and the belief that such behavior is acceptable. Sure, he ordered the couple to undergo marriage counseling, but that does nothing to acknowledge the incredibly violent behavior demonstrated by the husband in this case. It also alludes to the idea that the wife is somehow responsible for the abuse.

I’m glad I’m not completely alone in my outrage over this sentencing. The comments on the Sun-Sentinel article are somewhat split, with some commending the judge for offering a “positive solution” to the situation, but the more recent comments are much more critical, with many calling for Hurley’s resignation.

***UPDATE: I wrote the above post before coming across the NPR article, featuring this video:[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ef9Rn_3LhyY&feature=player_embedded]

This video makes the whole thing even more troubling to me. Before Mrs. Bray even has a chance to respond, Judge Hurley says “I’m sure he’ll be out of prison today”. This, after Mrs. Bray says that it was not the first time she’s had to call the police to their residence for an altercation.

While I was writing this up, this happened:
So, yeah. Mr. Law School apparently can’t get his facts straight, and his approach to a debate is to ignore any points that don’t support his argument. Something tells me this debate isn’t over yet…

***UPDATE#2: I keep saying “update”, but I haven’t actually published yet, because this stuff keeps coming too quickly. Dude just invoked an OJ Simpson reference while trying to convince me that this domestic violence case is no big deal. I can’t make this up.






**takes deep breath** PHEW. That was a workout. I wouldn’t be surprised if this still isn’t the end of it. I wish I could get some sort of enjoyment out of this type of debate, but at the very least, it’s making it clear who I do notwant personal interaction with.

Also, me? Sexist? Yes. I am SUCH a man-hater. Give me a freaking break.

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Rape and Responsibility

It’s 1am, and I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep, though, until I get a few things off my chest.

If you know me IRL (and, perhaps, if you don’t), you may have witnessed a particularly uhm, lively post on my Facebook wall this evening. In case you missed it, I re-posted this image:

screenshot from marxisforbros tumblr

CLICK TO VIEW LARGER

I had thought it was pretty straightforward. The sentiment expressed in marxisforbros‘ response is pretty cut and dry: Women’s clothing should be irrelevant when it comes to rape (or sexual assault, or harassment, etc.).
Needless to say, I did not anticipate the resulting shitstorm. Currently, we’re at 55 comments (and counting).**

I, er, WHAT?? How did it come to this? Why are we debating rape? How is rape even debatable? I thought it was just common sense: rape is bad. Horrible. And that’s a gross understatement. Rape is never, ever, EVER the victim’s fault. To blame the victim is to further victimize them. To assume that rape ever occurs as a result of some action (or inaction on the victim’s part) is a result of sheer ignorance, or unwillingness to acknowledge the truth about rape. I had thought that these people, who I choose to call friends (be it on Facebook, or in the real world) were rather enlightened people. I had assumed that we were of similar minds, at least when it comes to issues like this. So how the hell did we end up with a thread that is 55 comments long, and caused at least two people to seriously question our relationships, and our society as a whole?

I bet you were expecting me to give you an answer, huh? Well, sorry, kids. I ain’t got one. Not this time.

Seriously. I’m confounded. I knew that people thought this way. Hell, I’m a religious follower of STFU, Conservatives, STFU, Sexists , and Cognitive Dissonance…I see posts with this type of insanity all the time. But it’s a little bit different, seeing the blurred avatars on a 13″ screen when you have distance–both geographical and emotional–from the people involved. When you realize that these are people who you know…the very same people you’d be likely to turn to if–god forbid–something were to happen to you…it’s jarring, to say the very least.

I feel sick. I feel sick because people still feel the need to justify rape, even when they don’t know that’s what they’re doing. I’m angry, but not just at some of the people who posted. No, what angers and disturbs me even more is the silence. You see, I currently have 456 friends on Facebook. How many engaged in this conversation? 10? (I don’t feel like counting. I hope you understand.) And of those, how many bothered to support my end of the debate? Yeah. It isn’t that no one agrees with me. I’ve had friends tell me they do, whether it be in a message as a result of this thread, or in some other, independent conversation. Yet their absence here seems profound. My entire point, in the original post, throughout this debate, has been that there is a HUGE freaking problem with the fact that we hold the victim responsible when it comes to rape. As a society, we antagonize those who have already been attacked and abused. The fact that no one wants to speak up in defense; that no one is willing to step forward and challenge this antiquated, sexist ideology kind of punctuates that.

According to a number of studies,  60% of rapes and sexual assaults go unreported. Do you think that the stigma; the fact that so many people look to blame the victim, or immediately assume that any accusations of rape or sexual assault are false might have anything to do with that?

Relevant:

I’m sorry if this post isn’t terribly cohesive. I’m not lying when I say I’m exhausted. This has me completely drained. Before I go to bed and hope for pleasant dreams that have nothing to do with sexual assault or rape apologists, though, I’ve got one last thing to add to the conversation. The best tips I’ve seen to date with regard to how to avoid rape/sexual assault:

Sexual Assault Prevention TipsMull that over for a bit. I need to give my brain a break for a bit.

**My apologies for the choppy screenshots. Whenever I tried to take it all as one piece, I wound up with a bunch of lines either missing, or compressed. You can click on each chunk to make it larger. (And if you know of a good, free screenshot tool, let me know. I’m currently using Screen Capture for Chrome.)
***Although I’ve linked directly to the conversation, my Facebook privacy settings might not let you see it. I’m sorry about that, too, but I don’t feel like changing my settings at the moment.

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Susan G. Komen Ends Funding to Planned Parenthood

Earlier today, Planned Parenthood announced that the Susan G Komen for the Cure foundation has decided to halt all funding for breast cancer screenings conducted at Planned Parenthood health centers due to increased pressure from anti-abortion groups.

According to a message posted on the Planned Parenthood website:

Over the past five years, Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation funds have enabled Planned Parenthood health centers to provide nearly 170,000 clinical breast exams and referrals for more than 6,400 mammograms. These cancer detection and prevention programs saved the lives of women who often had nowhere else to turn for care.

Now, after facing criticism from anti-choice, anti-women’s health groups, the Komen Foundation has decided to stop supporting women seeking care at Planned Parenthood health centers.

Needless to say, I find this absolutely infuriating. I have been a patient at Planned Parenthood for the past 10 years, since I turned 19 years old and went there for my first annual exam and PAP. As a woman without access to affordable health care, Planned Parenthood has been my only source of consistent health care. I’ve gone there diligently, every year, for my annual exam and cancer screenings. I have a long history of fibroid tumors in my family, and receiving hormonal birth control from Planned Parenthood has spared me from countless agonizing symptoms. I’ve developed a rapport with my practitioner at the local clinic, and I know I can ask her for advice regarding just about any health issue. If I have a question she can’t answer, or a problem she can’t address, I can get her professional referral.

To say I’m dismayed at the decision of the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation would be a gross understatement. The way I see it is this: you either support women’s health programs, or you don’t. In the 10 years I’ve been a patient with Planned Parenthood, I’ve never had a decision forced on me. I was the one who determined I didn’t want to become pregnant. I was the one who decided to go on hormonal birth control. I was the one who chose what form of HBC I wanted. All Planned Parenthood did was provide me with options, and educate me on both the benefits and risks of those options. Largely in due part to the services provided by Planned Parenthood, I have never been pregnant. I’ve never had an abortion. Yet, according to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation, I don’t deserve access to these valuable services, because I receive them from a provider that also offers abortions/abortion referral services.

I posted the following to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure facebook wall:

I am beyond disappointed to learn that you have pulled funding from Planned Parenthood. As a woman without access to affordable health insurance, Planned Parenthood has been my *only* source for valuable cancer screenings for the last 10 years. If you were really concerned with women’s health, you would know that Planned Parenthood provides a variety of vital services to help women maintain their overall health. In your info, you state “Nancy G. Brinker promised her dying sister, Susan G. Komen, that she would do everything in her power to end breast cancer forever.”. “…do everything besides providing valuable funding for cancer screenings to those you don’t agree with politically” seems to be more like it. Well, that goes both ways. Susan G. Komen for the Cure will no longer be receiving any support from me.

Of course, this brought out the trolls. One particularly noteworthy response:

Facebook Response

are you SURE you're anti-troll?

I’ll admit, I’m not up on my abortion-related research. So I decided to do some digging. It didn’t take long, however. A quick Google search of “abortion cancer” brought me to the National Cancer Institute site; more specifically, the factsheet entitled “Abortion, Miscarriage, and Breast Cancer Risk“. According to the NCI:

The relationship between induced and spontaneous abortion and breast cancer risk has been the subject of extensive research beginning in the late 1950s. Until the mid-1990s, the evidence was inconsistent. Findings from some studies suggested there was no increase in risk of breast cancer among women who had had an abortion, while findings from other studies suggested there was an increased risk. Most of these studies, however, were flawed in a number of ways that can lead to unreliable results. Only a small number of women were included in many of these studies, and for most, the data were collected only after breast cancer had been diagnosed, and women’s histories of miscarriage and abortion were based on their “self-report” rather than on their medical records. Since then, better-designed studies have been conducted. These newer studies examined large numbers of women, collected data before breast cancer was found, and gathered medical history information from medical records rather than simply from self-reports, thereby generating more reliable findings. The newer studies consistently showed no association between induced and spontaneous abortions and breast cancer risk.(emphasis mine)

As far as the free clinics go, guess what? We don’t have one where I live. There may be 8,000 free clinics in the United States, but when you consider that there are 1003 towns and cities in my state alone, that really isn’t very many. As a matter of fact, there are 442 free clinics in New York State, and from what I can tell, all but maybe 3 of them are in New York City. I live approximately 90 miles from NYC. It’s a 2.5 hour commute in each direction. I don’t have a car, and I can’t afford the $50 for the round-trip bus ticket. In my town, we have some urgent care clinics, but they require payment in full at the time of service, and they don’t provide any preventative care services. With limited funds and no health insurance, if I want any sort of women’s health service, Planned Parenthood is literally my only option.

I know I’m not alone in this. It’s certainly not beyond me that the majority of Planned Parenthood patients are low income, and have limited resources. So it makes me wonder about the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation. What is it that they are really looking to do? It certainly doesn’t seem to me that they are concerned with promoting women’s health.  If they were, they would not be revoking funding from such a crucial provider of women’s health services. The information on their Facebook page states:

Nancy G. Brinker promised her dying sister, Susan G. Komen, that she would do everything in her power to end breast cancer forever. That promise is now Susan G. Komen for the Cure, a wonderful reflection of her.

Apparently, “everything in her power” does not include providing funding to organizations with differing political opinions than she holds.

As I stated earlier, Susan G. Komen for the Cure will no longer be receiving any support from me. Instead, I will choose to focus on organizations that care about providing comprehensive care for women, and that do not buckle to political pressure. If you agree, please consider doing one (or both) of the following:

Sign the petition at Change.org urging the board at Susan G. Komen to reverse their decision regarding the halting of funding to Planned Parenthood.

Donate directly to Planned Parenthood

Tell Susan G. Komen for the Cure that supporting women’s health is more than buying pink, or wearing a ribbon.

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Why We are All Scott Olsen

The whole world is talking about Scott Olsen. While most are expressing support and solidarity with the 24-year-oldScott Olsen veteran, who served two tours in Iraq before being critically injured by Oakland police officers on Tuesday night, some have taken the opportunity to dig up some unflattering and controversial information about Mr. Olsen’s past, and his personal viewpoints.  To those who would question the support of Scott Olsen as a result of these “findings” (which at this point, appear to be just rumors), I have this to say:

There are people who will use absolutely anything they can get their hands on to try and deflect the focus from what happened the other night in Oakland, and to discredit the movement. Regardless of anything in Scott’s past (or present, really), he certainly didn’t deserve what happened. The fact that Scott seems to have consistently stood up for his beliefs, regardless of whether he shared the popular opinion or not, just reinforces things, as far as I’m concerned. Some may disagree, I’m sure…but I think we ALL have something that might make others squirmy…and we ALL hope that we’ve got the freedom to express our views without being ostracized. Remember, Scott didn’t ask to be regarded as a hero. He wasn’t trying to be an example. This could have been any one of us.

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Pay as You Earn Proposal: Too Little Too Late?

**10/28/2011 6:42pm : I just came across this Huffington Post article, which basically expresses the same concerns I have regarding the Pay as You Earn Proposal. Those interviewed in the article reinforce what I had suspected: the proposal will help those who enroll in college beginning in 2014, but it does nothing for those who are already struggling to keep up with their student loan payments.  I’m still waiting to hear back from Sallie Mae re: Income-Based Repayment.

 

I woke up this morning to an email from The White House. No, I’m not some powerful insider. Rather, I had taken part in the “We the People” petition process, and signed a petition asking the Obama Administration to forgive student loan debt. According to the email, the administration was “excited to announce a new policy that speaks to the concerns expressed in this petition.”

At first glance, I was excited too. This new “Pay as You Earn” proposal will allow some borrowers to greatly reduce their monthly student loan payments, as it limits loan payments to 10% of the borrower’s discretionary income.In addition, all remaining debt will be forgiven after 20 years.  A glimmer of hope.

Then, I read on and came across this paragraph:

Current law allows borrowers to limit their loan payments to 15 percent of their discretionary income and forgives all remaining debt after 25 years. However, few students know about this option.  Students can find out if they are currently eligible for IBR at www.studentaid.ed.gov/ibr. 

Again, I had some momentary jubilation. Another glimmer of hope. There might just be an option that will help me make my loan payments more managable! Something that might allow me to repay the $60k I owe in student loans, without forcing me to choose between my loan payment, rent, and groceries. I clicked the link to the IBR site. I filled out the IBR calculator. After completing all of the steps, I received a lovely message that told me I might qualify for the program, which would reduce my monthly loan payment to approximately $110/month (about a third of what it currently is). The message advised me that this was just an estimate, and that if I wanted to apply for Income-Based Repayment, I should contact the servicer of my loan.

Now, I hate using the phone. Blame it on 4 years of working in a call center, but I avoid picking up the receiver at all costs. If I absolutely have to use the phone, I make sure that I have a purpose, and that I’m prepared with all necessary information. Before placing a call to my servicer, I decided to look a bit further into the terms of qualification for IBR and the recently-announced proposal reforming the plan. Here’s what I found:

    • The newly announced “Pay as You Earn” proposal is set to go into effect for all new borrowers after 2014—mostly impacting future college students. Those of us who are currently struggling to balance our student loan debt with our living expenses don’t qualify.
    • According to the Federal Student Aid website, “All Stafford, PLUS and Consolidation Loans made under either the Direct Loan or FFEL Program are eligible for repayment under IBR, EXCEPT loans that are currently in default, parent PLUS Loans (PLUS Loans that were made to parent borrowers), or Consolidation Loans that repaid parent PLUS Loans. The loans can be new or old, and for any type of education (undergraduate, graduate, professional, job training).” Alright. This is where things get confusing. From what I’ve been able to determine, “direct loans” either means
      • Stafford loans
      • Grad PLUS loans
      • Most federal consolidation loans
    • OR it means:
      • Only loans that were dispensed by the US Dept. of Education (those dispensed through banks or other private lenders are ineligible.)

The problem with this is that I can’t tell which is correct. I can’t seem to find any clarification. Do I qualify, or not?

Needless to say, I’m frustrated, and disappointed. I’m starting to get a little bit angry…and when I get angry, I argue. I am an experienced arguer. I’ve often been told that I should have gone to law school because of my ability to dig in and manipulate an argument in my favor. Of course, I don’t have a human being standing here to argue with. But I do have a statement: the White House press release. Let’s take another look at the text I quoted earlier, this time with some emphasis on my part:
Current law allows borrowers to limit their loan payments to 15 percent of their discretionary income and forgives all remaining debt after 25 years. However, few students know about this option.  Students can find out if they are currently eligible for IBR at www.studentaid.ed.gov/ibr. 

So. The government has a plan in place to help borrowers manage their student loan debt. And the government is trying to express its concern with helping borrowers overcome their student loan debt by pointing out that it has this program which very few people know about. What? This reminds me of when someone omits an important fact, and then when you act outraged at the omission, they turn the blame around on you for not asking about what you didn’t know in the first place.

I honestly hadn’t heard of Income-Based Repayment until I got the e-mail in my inbox this morning. It’s been seven years since I graduated college; five years since I got my master’s degree. I’m the rare person who actually read through my master promissary notes before I signed them. When I go to my loan servicer’s site and click on the links to manage my loans and reduce my payments, I’m given the same options for deferment and forbearance that I’ve seen (and used) a million times. I’ve never seen anything about Income-Based Repayment. Perhaps this is my fault for not knowing where to look. I’ve got to wonder, though, shouldn’t the lenders and servicers be responsible for making this information readily available to their customers?

In 2009, the federal Department of Education took over federal student loans, ending the participation of private lenders in the program. In essense, this means that the US government is now solely in charge of federal student loans. The US government also manages IBR. If few students know about this option, I have to ask, who’s fault is it?

After some digging, I did manage to find some information on my servicer’s site regarding IBR. I have no idea whether my loans are actually eligible or not (One was originally taken out from Fleet, and then turned over to Bank of America. The second originated with Bank of America. The two have now been consolidated with Sallie Mae). I’ve submitted all of the necessary information, so I guess we’ll see.

I’m really glad that the Obama administration seems to be listening to the American public in some regard. I’m glad that some steps are being taken to alleviate some of the crippling student loan debt our nation is experiencing. I can’t help but think, however, that this isn’t enough. The petition I signed wasn’t asking for the government to lower payments over time. If the IBR program is solely for loans through the Dept. of Education, many of us who are currently struggling will continue to do so, as our loans were issued by the banks. I’m hoping that this legislation isn’t a last minute ploy to gain votes for re-election (though I think I know better). I’m hoping this is just the first step, because we’ve still got so far to go.

***10/26/2011 9:04PM: I just received this video in an email from BarackObama.com. The video helps to simplify and clarify the Pay as You Earn proposal somewhat…but is it enough? What do you think?