I hesitate to use the term “review”, because in my mind, that conjures up images of stale industry terminology and writing for some incentive. That’s not what I’m going to be doing. I’m writing about music because it makes me feel something. That’s really it.

In addition to album recommendations, if there’s a particular music service (online) that you think is pretty stellar, let me know. I’m considering a paid Rdio membership, but in the meantime, I’m using Grooveshark, Bandcamp, and the “new” Myspace.

Leave your suggestions in the comments, or shoot me an “Ask” on Tumblr.

[Image: Michelle McLoughlin/Reuters]

One thing I can say for certain, though, is this:
Now is not the time to let this go.

Many have suggested that there needs to be a “cooling off” period.
That it’s somehow disrespectful to engage in a national discourse about some of the root issues behind this atrocity while people are grieving.

I used to agree.

I used to think that those of us not immediately impacted by tragic events needed to stand back; to abandon conversations about the larger issues in order to reflect on the lives lost in a reverent silence.

Now, I think otherwise.

Now, I believe that in order to demonstrate respect and consideration for the lives lost to unfathomable violence, we must  carry on these conversations. We cannot wait.

Here’s why:

We waited after Columbine…and three months later, there was another shooting. 12 people were killed in Atlanta. We waited again, and another two months later, seven people were killed in Ft. Worth.

In the past two years alone, there have been 11 mass shootings. Let that sink in for a minute.

• January 8, 2011: 6 killed, 19 total shot in Tucson, AZ
• September 6, 2011: 5 killed, 12 total shot in Carson City, NV
• April 2, 2012: 7 killed in Oakland, CA
• April 6, 2012: 3 killed, 5 total shot in Tulsa, OK
• May 29, 2012: 5 killed in Seattle, WA
• July 20, 2012: 12 killed, 58 wounded in Aurora, CO
• August 5, 2012: 6 killed, 4 others wounded in Oak Creek, WI
• September 27, 2012: 5 shot, 3 others wounded in Minneapolis, MN
• December 11, 2012: 2 killed in Clackamas Town Center, OR
• December 14,2012: at least 27 killed in Newtown, CT

Looking at this list, it’s apparent (to me, at least) that we don’t have TIME to wait. Not if we want to avoid further tragedy. Not if we want to protect human lives

I’m not just talking about gun control, either. We need to look at the big picture, and figure out WHY people are killing in the first place, not just HOW they’re doing it.

Gun regulation/control reform may be one element, but honestly, it’s like trying to dam up a raging river with a box of toothpicks. (I was going to use the bandaid metaphor, but I can’t even bring myself to use that sort of imagery right now.) We need to be looking at comprehensive healthcare reform as well, allowing for increased access to mental health services. We need to implement some sort of support for the people who need it. Our entire society could probably use some sort of overhaul, because we’re obviously missing some important warning signs.

This isn’t about political posturing. This isn’t about furthering personal interests. This is about preserving human life and well-being. Without that, what the hell does anything else even matter?

Which is why I find it so perplexing and frustrating that guys continue to act like I don’t really know what I want…that I somehow need them to “convince” me…
I don’t understand when I tell a guy “sorry, I’d like to be your friend, but I’m not interested in anything else”, and they second-guess me…or worse, they get angry with me over it. (Oh, gee…I want to be your friend. How insulting!)

On a related note, I’ve had numerous people impart the “wisdom” that a woman should play “hard to get”.
That it’s important to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
That even if you’re not interested, a person still “deserves” a chance.

I’ll admit, I’ve questioned myself a few times.
I put myself out there, and I love hard…and of course, there have been times when I’ve gotten burned.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off holding back…
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t play those kinds of games.
It seems wrong for me to withhold my love…to try and coax someone into “fighting” for me.
(I’m cringing just writing those words. Ugh!)
It would be inauthentic. And that’s not who I am.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was to read “Why I Never Play Hard to Get” by Rachel Kay Albers.

“When we send the message that resistance is a form of flirtation—a strategic move in the game of love—we romanticize the imposition of one human being’s will on another. The building block of violence. By looking at love and sex as a game, a chase, a fight, we give violence our social permission, cultivate a rape culture, and throw consent out with the bathwater. If, as Rhiannon says “I don’t know means No. I’m drunk means No. Maybe means No. I don’t seem into it means No,” then that should apply to every aspect of the dating experience. Hard To Get and No Means No don’t—can’t—exist together. One lives in a world of conquest and the other of communication. And if you say No when you mean Yes or infer Yes from another person’s No, I’d say you’re not really communicating.”

I could have written these words. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever to hear someone else say what I’ve been thinking all along. As important as it is for us to get this message out to those “nice guys” who trick themselves into thinking they’re doing something “noble” by being “persistent”, it’s just as important (if not more so) to offer validation to the people who are honest, who actually say what they mean and yet still end up enduring the onslaught of unwanted attention. Those whose thoughts and feelings are dismissed on a regular basis in the interest of perpetuating the conquest myth.

Women aren’t delicate flowers incapable of interpreting and communicating what we want. We start out as babies, conveying what we want and need loudly and clearly…both the boys and girls. It’s only later on, after we’ve had it drilled into our heads that it’s “not nice” to turn someone down because we might hurt their feelings…after we’ve met with too much aggression or been dubbed a “frigid bitch” one too many times, or called a “slut” for being open and forward about what we want that we start to shut down. I know I’ve been guilty of offering up silence and a diverted gaze because I was too exhausted to try and argue.

I can’t imagine a more perfect disclaimer than the one Albers offers here:

“No, I don’t play hard to get. If I like you, you’ll know it. If I don’t like you, you’ll really know it. And if you decide to cross a line despite my big, hand-painted “No Trespassing” sign, we’ve got a problem.”

How’s that for loud and clear?

• My general health, which continues to improve by leaps and bounds
• A roof over my head, with space for my things, where I can pretty much do what I want without having to be accountable to anyone else
• Work that allows me to hone my skills (and pay my bills)
• My best friend, who manages the delicate task of supporting me while continually challenging me to be the best possible version of myself like a pro. You’ve taught me so much, and you inspire me on a daily basis. Thank you for your unyielding patience. I love you.
• A colorful cast of close friends who are like family. I don’t see you guys often enough (and some of you I don’t see at all!), but it’s nice knowing you’re just an IM/text/phone call away. I don’t know where I’d be without the pow wows, word association sessions, and endless inside jokes. Thank you for the unconditional love, support, and the occasional (much-needed) doses of craziness. Love.
• Living in one of the best places in the world, with the ability to see the beauty and promise it holds.
• MTG, and the way it brings people together (yes, I’m serious).
• Perspective, and my ability to see how even the “bad” things can have positive results
• Florrie, my chinchilla, who keeps me on my toes.
• The power of the written word.
• The availability of information, and my ability to learn.
• Music.
• Simple pleasures (mocha latte, I’m looking at you).
• My relative freedom
• Those who continue to look beyond themselves, fighting the good fight every day to ensure that others may experience the same rights, freedoms, and comforts that they do
• The legacies of my ancestors
• The benevolence of strangers
• The possibilities of the future

There are probably a million other things not listed here…this is just a start.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. What are you thankful for?

Poverty By the Numbers

• 700,000:The approximate number of people experiencing homelessness on any given night in the United States
• 770,000: The number of homeless students registered by the US Dept. of Education
• 67,495: The number of homeless war veterans in the United States
• 1 in 6: The number of families living below the poverty line in the United States
• 3 out of 4: The number of states that saw an increase both in the number and percentage of people living in poverty
• 50 million: The number of Americans living in food insecure households

How to Help

CARE:

Contribute: Give to local organizations helping the less fortunate in your community. Some of the most-needed donations include:

• Time (volunteer work)
• Money (The most flexible donation type, financial donations can be used where they are most needed, whether it’s to buy food and clothing, to pay for transportation needs, or to cover basic costs.)
• Services and Materials (copying, printing, food, transportation services, marketing services, electrical work, plumbing, etc. If you have a business, consider donating a portion of your services. Charitable donations are tax-deductible, and in addition to helping the community, your generosity may also help to  boost your own business.)
• Household goods (utensils, paper goods, toiletries, etc.)
• Clothing

Advocate:Advocacy is critical to creating the systemic changes required to end poverty and homelessness. A few things you can do:

• Follow local politics:  Attend meetings and speak up in favor of low-income housing, group homes, shelters, soup kitchens, and homelessness prevention programs.
• Contact your leaders: Offer first hand accounts of homelessness and poverty. Ask government officials to  stop future cuts in essential services. Let them know how poverty and homelessness are impacting your community, and what systems are in place to address it.
• Get involved with local media: Profile stories relating to the issues of poverty and homelessness in your area. Write editorials when important issues arise in your community.
• Become more aware of your language: Try to minimize language that refers to people experiencing homelessness and poverty in derogatory ways. By remaining aware and avoiding terms such as “bum”, “transient”, or “the homeless” or “the poor”, we remind ourselves that people who are going through these difficult situations are, in fact, people first.

Reach out: Volunteering your time and reaching out is one of the best ways to learn about poverty and homelessness, and to make a difference in the lives of those who it effects:

• Work at a shelter or soup kitchen: There’s always something to do.
• Offer professional skills: Common skillsets needed include secretarial, catering, plumbing, accounting, management, carpentry, public relations, fundraising, legal, medical, dentistry, writing, child care, counseling, tutoring, or mentoring.
• Share hobbies: Teach people at a shelter or soup kitchen how to do one of your favorite hobbies. Then let them teach you one of theirs.

Educate:  Learn about the root causes of food insecurity, poverty, and homelessness, and teach it to others.
Some sources to start with:

• National Coalition for the Homeless: http://nationalhomeless.org
• Annual U.S. Conference of Mayors Report on Hunger and Homelessness: http://usmayors.org/publications/default.asp
• The National Alliance to End Homelessness: http://www.endhomelessness.org
• The National Low Income Housing Coalition: http://www.nlihc.org
• The National Student Campaign Against Hunger and Homelessness: http://www.studentsagainsthunger.org/
• The National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty: http://www.nlchp.org
• Homes for the Homeless/Institute for Children and Poverty: http://www.homesforthehomeless.com/
• National Health Care for the Homeless Council (Formerly The Better Homes Fund): http://www.nhchc.org/
• Universal Living Wage Campaign: http://www.universallivingwage.org

In the Hudson Valley

The Queens Galley is a 501(c)3 not for profit organization that provides awareness, education, relief and prevention of food insecurity in America. In addition to serving three hot, restaurant quality meals a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, The Queens Galley has implemented a variety of programs dedicated to the affordable nutritional education of children, families and seniors. Because the Queens Galley does not require “proof of need” to be presented in order for a person to receive a meal, they are ineligible for government funding, and subsist solely on donations. Click here to help them continue to provide this vital service.

WTF Mitt Romney... :(

Full disclosure: Oliver works for the Wikimedia Foundation, so he’s got a very unique insight into how Wikipedia *actually* works. Oliver also has a fricking biting sense of humor. He combined these attributes to create a wonderfully scathing response that manages to:

• Both call out and tear to shreds the egotistical whining of an a writer who seems to have a distorted sense of entitlement
• Explain in a very clear and precise manner not only how Wikipedia works, but why it works that way
• Call attention to the severe deficiencies present in the field of journalism and media, and urge us all to demand more from the agencies we rely on for factual information

Not to mention that the post includes one of the most beautiful unintended (by Oliver’s own admission. Believe you me, Oliver proudly takes credit for any intended snark.) double entendres I have ever seen. You know the one I’m talking about.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the top 3 excerpts from “Phillip Roth and Wikipedia” that had me fist-pumping, yelling “yeah”, and sending Oliver virtual pan-Atlantic high-fives:

1)Roth either didn’t actually read the article, or did but thinks that There Is No Truth But That Of Philip Roth.
2) “If Roth is incapable of distinguishing between credible/non-credible and primary/secondary, this is his problem to work through and his editor’s excuse to ask for a substantial pay raise. And a whisky.”
3)Everything from “Now. I don’t know if Philip Roth is…” down to “Fuck. That. Noise.”, but particularly this gem:

We rely on these organisations for reporting what our politicians do, what our armed forces do, how entities with the power of life and death over humanity are accountable to the people. And they happily gulp down the glorified press releases of anyone who offers to let them touch his Pulitzer.

Come on. You knew that was coming.

Also particularly noteworthy is Oliver’s follow up post, which does an amazing job of explaining Wikipedia’s commitment to providing verifiable information, and examining some of the issues that raises.

I just received a comment that I think sums up a perspective many people hold, so I thought I’d address it here (in addition to responding to the comment directly). The comment said:

Maybe it’s unrelated, but I think it’s related and it boggles my mind — when women call themselves bitches/whores/etc. as though it’s a good thing or they’re proud or something like that. “Lydia is such a skank look at that dress…” “I love you, you whore ” or even directly about themselves “I’m a bitch!” in a bragging tough tone…….really? Being so called down all the time that you have to label yourself or each other with derogatory terms in order to feel like you’re strong and you’ve got the power is just a really sad and illogical state of affairs. As much as the culture needs to tell people it’s not okay to abuse women (or anyone), it and they themselves (or should I be saying we…but I don’t do that, but anyway) have to stop berating themselves as some twisted way of raising themselves up again or grasping at some weird semblance of respect and strength……going around calling yourself and other women bitches and sluts and then complaining when guys repeat what they’re hearing…….stop giving them ideas, you know? >_> It tells them it’s okay just as much as not being scolded publicly for their behaviour. And I will clarify that I’m not ‘blaming’ or seeking to blame the victims – obviously they’re also repeating what they hear etc. – I’m just pointing out the fact that it really really doesn’t help anything…very detrimental, in fact. Not a good coping mechanism. Something that’s also a lot easier to stop than trying to control the guys’ behaviours.

My response:

It’s not an uncommon thing for groups that have been repressed to try and “reclaim” terms that have been used by others to degrade them. The practice is a controversial one for all of the reasons you’ve mentioned (see also terms like “fag”, the “n” word, etc.). There is a huge difference, however, between “reclaiming” a word, and using the same term to degrade someone else. When a person uses such a term to refer to him/herself, it is often a way of saying to others “you can no longer use this term to hold me down”. When a woman uses the word “Bitch” or “Whore” with pride, it becomes empowering…it shifts the power from the oppressors…those who would use the term in an insulting manner to try and make a woman feel ashamed of her behavior…and turns it around, putting the power in the hands of the woman, who is not only claiming responsibility for herself and her actions, but also claiming pride for those things. In essence, it equates to: “Yes, I AM a woman. Yes I AM vocal/opinionated/loud/educated/sexual/etc…AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. This is who I am, and I’m not going to let someone else try and twist that and use it against me in a way that is hurtful.” In cases where a person/group of people have been so disenfranchised, sometimes reclaiming a single phrase that has been used against them, or reclaiming some aspect of their identity is the ONLY means they have toward gaining any sort of power. Sometimes, its the ONLY way they can safely fight back against the hatred that is flung toward them. Is it sad and illogical? Perhaps. But you can’t blame people for using what they’ve got to try and gain some leverage.

I get what you’re saying, but I cringe when I hear things like “stop giving them ideas, you know?”
We’re not talking about children, here. We’re talking about grown adults. And when it comes to men calling women “bitches”, “sluts”, “whores”, etc…I can guarantee you it is NOT because they hear women referring to themselves that way. There is a big difference between the connotations, and most adults know full-well what that difference is. Putting the responsibility back on those who have been subject to abuse and repression only serves to perpetuate the cycle. Most men know that it is NOT ok to call a woman any of these things, just like most white people wouldn’t walk into the Apollo and start slinging around the “N” word. And it isn’t just because someone once said we shouldn’t…it’s because we have an understanding of what the words mean within a certain context. When a guy starts complaining about me expressing my opinion (when all of the guys we’ve been hanging out with have just done the same without the bat of an eyelash), I very well may stand up and say “You’re damn right. I’m a bitch who knows what she’s talking about, and if that’s too much for you, that’s too bad”. I may turn to my friend who’s been laying on the charm thick at work to get tips and jokingly say “you’re such a slut”. But I wouldn’t use these terms with my grandmother. I wouldn’t use these terms with my students. And I *certainly* wouldn’t use these terms in a way that is intentionally hurtful toward strangers.

A big part of the difference is familiarity. I can be self-depricating. I can even crack jokes about my family members, because I *know* them, and because I love them. I do it in a way that is both honest and affectionate…it serves to build a narrative, rather than to tear someone else down. Its the difference between affection and hatred. When I call my friend a “fag” (something I do very rarely, and only in certain settings because I’m fully aware that many people won’t understand), its clear to the both of us that I mean “You’re uninhibited and flamboyant, and I love that about you”. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the intent of others.

As a linguist and a writer, I pay a lot of attention to the power of words. I know that inherently, words are just that. “Bitch” might as well be “car” or “sunset” or “mariposa”. The power lies in the connotation and the intent. Just as the women who wrote and responded to the original Tumblr post explain that they have no way of knowing whether the men who approach them are simply nice guys looking for conversation or psychopaths who might rape and/or murder them, so they’re essentially forced to respond in the same manner regardless in the interest of their own safety, a similar thing is true for these words/phrases. Unless you know a person well, there’s no way to tell whether a word is being used affectionately or as a slur. No way to tell whether it’ll be followed up with a hug, or a punch to the face. In the interest of safety, these words are typically viewed as hostile when used by strangers. As a result, its in the best interest of most of us not to go slinging them around carelessly.

This still doesn’t mean that a person who *does* use such a term to refer to themselves or someone else affectionately is deserving of degradation by someone else as a result. Just because a person calls themselves a “bitch” doesn’t give me carte blanche to call them a bitch. Doing so is ignorant, arrogant, and presumptuous.
I refuse to make excuses for people to go around abusing others. Adults know better. Children need to be taught better. I don’t care what anyone else does…we all know better, and we deserve better. Period.

Further reading:
AD Galinsky: The Reappropriation of Stigmatizing Labels: Implications for Social Identity
The Funny Feminist: On Reclaiming Bitch
Clare Bayley: Bitch: A History
Kait Mauro: Why I Won’t “Reclaim Bitch”
Womanist Musings: Reclaiming Language and Who ‘Gets’ to Say What
Brilliant Mind, Broken Body: Social Justice–Reclaiming Language

I’m sitting on my couch, repeatedly taking deep breaths in, and then exhaling through an open mouth. I’ve got tears pricking at my eyes, and my heart is pounding. I’m sure there are many others who just read that post who are having similar responses. And, of course, there are others who are saying “well, sure, what happened to that woman was terrible. That’s just fucked up. That poor girl. I understand feeling bad for her… But why are YOU having such an intense response? I mean, this isn’t YOUR problem, right?”…right?

Here are a few memories…things that still make me nauseous when I think about them. Things that I haven’t told many people, but are important enough that I’m willing to share publicly now in the interest of illustrating just how common these occurrences are:

I’m in kindergarten. Five years old. We’re in gym class. I’m wearing black leggings with a reinforced crotch. I remember this, because while we’re doing pushups, my gym teacher (a man) walks over, pats me on my butt and says “got a little extra padding there, eh?”.
Being five years old, I immediately thought he was referring to my leggings…I thought he somehow knew about the little white panel stitched to the inside, and I became embarrassed. I never mentioned it to anyone, and it was years later that I realized what was actually implied.

Its my first semester in college. I ride the bus with a few friends of mine…kids I’ve known off and on since elementary school. I don’t remember the circumstances, but I end up going to the one guy’s house after class to hang out. He lived on a sidestreet downtown, and when we got there, no one else was home. I thought we were just going to hang out, maybe watch tv or something. He apparently expected more. All I can remember is him pulling on me, and me squirming away. He grabbed my arm or something…tried to pin me. I got angry and scared at the same time, and I complained that it hurt. He was mad at me for being a “tease” or something, despite the fact that he knew I was interested in someone else, despite the fact that I was wearing baggy jeans and a hoodie, despite the fact that I’d done nothing but agree to hang out after school. I somehow managed to get out of there relatively unscathed. I don’t know if I fully realized what had happened, but I was shaking as I half-walked, half-ran home.

I’m in my early twenties, staying at my ex boyfriend’s house because I have nowhere else to go. I’m upstairs, folding laundry and putting my books away when my ex’s older brother walks in the room. He pulls on the top of my tanktop, making some remark about “showing some skin”, and then tries to tug on my skirt. I pull quickly away from him, and he says that I “owe” it to him for staying in “his” house. I shut myself in the bathroom until I hear his mother come in downstairs. Later on, I tell my ex about what his brother did. His response? A nonchalant “that’s probably not the first time”.

I’m 26, and I’m at the bar with my boyfriend. It’s a place we go fairly frequently…we know the owner and the bartenders. I’m pretty comfortable there. He’s off talking to some friends outside, and I sit at the bar to relax and enjoy my drink. An older man is sitting a couple of barstools down from me. He mentions that he teaches English at the Culinary Institute. He also works for a local publication. I’m substituting at the time, hoping to get a more permanent teaching position. I sip my drink and we talk about literature and standardized testing, and various teaching techniques. I’m pretty thrilled to have met an experienced colleague.  After maybe half an hour of conversation, though, things start to get weird. My boyfriend comes in and stops by to “check in” before he walks back to the bathrooms. The guy I’ve been talking to looks irritated, and tells me my boyfriend is “too young” for me. I laugh, and explain that he’s actually four years older than I am. “He’s too young.”, he repeats.
I go outside to retrieve my phone from the car. As I’m walking back toward the bar, the “professor” walks up to me and offers me a cigarette. I decline. He motions for me to walk with him toward the corner to talk, which I do, against my better judgement. He starts telling me how I’m very smart, and pretty, and how I deserve someone who understands me, and who truly appreciates me. I try to interject, to explain that I think I have that, but he’s not listening. He says “I’m going to tell you what I tell my daughters. They’re 12 and 15. I think you’d like them.”, and then continues on about all of the things he thinks I need. He told me I was obviously confused.
A friend of mine walked by as he was leaving the bar, and I called out to him, desperate for the excuse to get away. The “professor” showed obvious disappointment, and told me that I should know that “an older man has really liked” me.

The circumstances may be different, but the general themes are always the same. I’m alone, and some guy starts talking to me. Sometimes I’m ok with having a general conversation. Sometimes I really just want to be left alone, but I’m trying to be polite. Always, some line is crossed. Whenever I try to turn down the guy’s advances, I’m told I’m “confused”, or I don’t know what I want, or I don’ t know what’s “good” for me.
If I get angry, or if I assert myself, I’m a “bitch”, a “cunt”, or a “tease”.
Maybe my life isn’t overtly threatened…but how do I ever know for sure whether I’m really safe?

This is why I don’t go out alone. This is why if I do end up alone, even for just a minute, I’ll wear a ring on my left hand, and try to cover up my cleavage. It’s why, whenever asked, I always say I have a boyfriend, and I spend a lot of time “checking” my phone. It’s why I always turn down the offers of others to buy me drinks. It’s why I sit on the bus and stare intently out the window until my stop. It’s why I’ve perfected the routine of pretending to be deaf, ignoring the hollers and come-ons as I walk down the street, and ignoring the insults that are slung my way when I don’t act grateful for the unsolicited “compliments”.

As much as I hate having to deal with guys who somehow feel entitled to something from me, I think what I hate even more is my own response. I want to lash out…I want to tell these guys to fuck off. I want to punch them in the nuts when they breathe down my neck or tug on my clothes. But I never do any of that. Instead, I shut down. I become paralyzed. I smile, and I get quiet, because it seems like a really bad idea to piss these guys off. So I end up feeling weak, and small, and my politeness is used as justification for further advances. I’m left with the choice of either inadvertently encouraging these guys, or further risking my well-being. I’m weak, or I’m a manipulative bitch. Regardless, I lose.

So many people I know think this is the exception to the norm. The countless women who have come forward on the original Tumblr post, on my Facebook page, and in countless other forums telling similar tales would lead me to believe otherwise.

I know that there are some very good, honorable men out there. Men with integrity, and respect for women. But there are still plenty of men who think they’re somehow “owed” something. Men who think that avoiding the humiliation of being turned down is somehow worth violating the comfort and/or rights or another human being.

So what do we do?
Well, acknowledging that this is a problem is a start.
Making it clear that this sort of thing is prevalent, AND is unacceptable…
Raising our young men to respect women, and other people in general…(and themselves)
Changing the BS system that puts full responsibility on women…
Stopping the victim-blaming that is so prevalent in our culture…
I don’t know that these things will completely stop the problem, but they’d go a long way.

It isn’t quite the original, but it doesn’t need to be.

Anyway, take a listen. Let me know what you think. Does it hold up?