I’m struggling, today. After yet another long, sleepless night, I took a melatonin at around 5:30am and settled into bed to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I thought it would entertain me; amuse me. I thought it would take my mind off of things. It didn’t. Just reminded me of the things I’m longing for.
I fell into sleep with sunlight filling my east-facing bedroom, and the chirping of birds reverberating in my ears. I dreamed about an old friend. We were in a school, or a shopping mall–it varied by scene. He wore a green wool military uniform. I was in love with him, but I’d been dating a mutual friend of ours. I don’t know what the circumstances were…why we were there, what was happening. It felt like he was going somewhere, but the details are unclear. We embraced, and I said “I love you.”
“Shh…”, he said with a smile, and a quick glance toward the friend.
“I don’t care.”, I whispered, and lay my head on his chest. I remember feeling safe in his arms. Relaxed.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had this dream, or a variation on it. The friend is someone I lost touch with over a decade ago. We’re Facebook friends, but we don’t talk or keep up, as much as I sometimes wish we did. He’s changed a lot from the person I knew then. I’ve changed too, but it’s different.
I miss him, but I’m not sure what to make of the dream. Perhaps my subconscious has just decided to use his likeness as a symbol…perhaps it could have been anyone. I don’t know.
I looked him up out of curiosity, to find out that he’s on deployment. I don’t know any details. It wouldn’t make a difference if I did. My heart feels heavy.
There’s so much else, but I’m exhausted. I’m struggling to comprehend the reasons behind such senseless pain in the world. The one thing I really can’t handle is a profound sense of injustice, and I faced that head-on this afternoon as I read about the tragic chain of losses a particular local family has experienced. I want to rage against the universe; to throw a fit about how life isn’t fair…but it ultimately would make no difference.
So many thoughts rushing through my head, and I can’t seem to reign any of them in. And I can’t adequately express them. I feel drained. I need a break.