Tag Archives: love

by

On Playing Hard to Get

hard-to-get

I’m the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve.
I’ve been the one to initiate just about every one of my romantic relationships.
Any time I’ve found myself with more than just a passing interest in someone, I’ve made sure they knew it.
As in, I flat out told them, “I like you. I want you. “

Which is why I find it so perplexing and frustrating that guys continue to act like I don’t really know what I want…that I somehow need them to “convince” me…
I don’t understand when I tell a guy “sorry, I’d like to be your friend, but I’m not interested in anything else”, and they second-guess me…or worse, they get angry with me over it. (Oh, gee…I want to be your friend. How insulting!)

On a related note, I’ve had numerous people impart the “wisdom” that a woman should play “hard to get”.
That it’s important to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
That even if you’re not interested, a person still “deserves” a chance.

I’ll admit, I’ve questioned myself a few times.
I put myself out there, and I love hard…and of course, there have been times when I’ve gotten burned.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off holding back…
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t play those kinds of games.
It seems wrong for me to withhold my love…to try and coax someone into “fighting” for me.
(I’m cringing just writing those words. Ugh!)
It would be inauthentic. And that’s not who I am.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was to read “Why I Never Play Hard to Get” by Rachel Kay Albers.

“When we send the message that resistance is a form of flirtation—a strategic move in the game of love—we romanticize the imposition of one human being’s will on another. The building block of violence. By looking at love and sex as a game, a chase, a fight, we give violence our social permission, cultivate a rape culture, and throw consent out with the bathwater. If, as Rhiannon says “I don’t know means No. I’m drunk means No. Maybe means No. I don’t seem into it means No,” then that should apply to every aspect of the dating experience. Hard To Get and No Means No don’t—can’t—exist together. One lives in a world of conquest and the other of communication. And if you say No when you mean Yes or infer Yes from another person’s No, I’d say you’re not really communicating.”

I could have written these words. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever to hear someone else say what I’ve been thinking all along. As important as it is for us to get this message out to those “nice guys” who trick themselves into thinking they’re doing something “noble” by being “persistent”, it’s just as important (if not more so) to offer validation to the people who are honest, who actually say what they mean and yet still end up enduring the onslaught of unwanted attention. Those whose thoughts and feelings are dismissed on a regular basis in the interest of perpetuating the conquest myth.

Women aren’t delicate flowers incapable of interpreting and communicating what we want. We start out as babies, conveying what we want and need loudly and clearly…both the boys and girls. It’s only later on, after we’ve had it drilled into our heads that it’s “not nice” to turn someone down because we might hurt their feelings…after we’ve met with too much aggression or been dubbed a “frigid bitch” one too many times, or called a “slut” for being open and forward about what we want that we start to shut down. I know I’ve been guilty of offering up silence and a diverted gaze because I was too exhausted to try and argue.

I can’t imagine a more perfect disclaimer than the one Albers offers here:

“No, I don’t play hard to get. If I like you, you’ll know it. If I don’t like you, you’ll really know it. And if you decide to cross a line despite my big, hand-painted “No Trespassing” sign, we’ve got a problem.”

How’s that for loud and clear?

by

Overwhelmed

I’m struggling, today. After yet another long, sleepless night, I took a melatonin at around 5:30am and settled into bed to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I thought it would entertain me; amuse me. I thought it would take my mind off of things. It didn’t. Just reminded me of the things I’m longing for.

I fell into sleep with sunlight filling my east-facing bedroom, and the chirping of birds reverberating in my ears. I dreamed about an old friend. We were in a school, or a shopping mall–it varied by scene. He wore a green wool military uniform. I was in love with him, but I’d been dating a mutual friend of ours. I don’t know what the circumstances were…why we were there, what was happening. It felt like he was going somewhere, but the details are unclear. We embraced, and I said “I love you.”
“Shh…”, he said with a smile, and a quick glance toward the friend.
“I don’t care.”, I whispered, and lay my head on his chest. I remember feeling safe in his arms. Relaxed.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this dream, or a variation on it. The friend is someone I lost touch with over a decade ago. We’re Facebook friends, but we don’t talk or keep up, as much as I sometimes wish we did. He’s changed a lot from the person I knew then. I’ve changed too, but it’s different.
I miss him, but I’m not sure what to make of the dream. Perhaps my subconscious has just decided to use his likeness as a symbol…perhaps it could have been anyone. I don’t know.

I looked him up out of curiosity, to find out that he’s on deployment. I don’t know any details. It wouldn’t make a difference if I did. My heart feels heavy.

There’s so much else, but I’m exhausted. I’m struggling to comprehend the reasons behind such senseless pain in the world. The one thing I really can’t handle is a profound sense of injustice, and I faced that head-on this afternoon as I read about the tragic chain of losses a particular local family has experienced. I want to rage against the universe; to throw a fit about how life isn’t fair…but it ultimately would make no difference.

So many thoughts rushing through my head, and I can’t seem to reign any of them in. And I can’t adequately express them. I feel drained. I need a break.