Note to self: posting about how you haven’t been posting doesn’t really qualify as a post. #justsaying
Yeah, I’ve been gone again. But not really. My time has been eaten up by other, less valuable parts of the web. You know, the parts where you spend two days arguing politics, stopping only because your blood pressure is so high that the blood vessels in your corneas have started to pop? Or where you use imdb to look up the name of some fringe character on Mad Men, and then you decide you want more information, so you pop over to Wikipedia, and then the next thing you know, it’s 16 hours later, and you’ve somehow ended up researching the implications of particular lace patterns on 17th century French history.
Perhaps in an effort to recover lost (read: wasted) time, I’ve been refusing to sleep; staying up until 6am watching episodes of Mad Men on Netflix (what, did you think that reference came out of nowhere?), and then lamenting that I haven’t done anything productive. It’s awful. I’m in a funk, to put things lightly. I can’t say whether it’s just SAD rearing it’s ugly head, or if there’s another cause for the depression, but it certainly seems like it’s been awhile since a blue period like this one has dug it’s teeth into my skin.
I don’t know if anyone else can really tell. From the outside, it may just seem like something is off…something you can’t quite put your finger on. There are signs, but they don’t seem to amount to anything. Probably the most prominent is the state of my house. There are piles of things everywhere. DVDs on the floor, from when I decided to lend Grosse Point Blank to a friend. Candy canes on the coffee table, from the time I needed the decorative vase they were in to catch the rainwater that was spewing in my living room window. Dishes. Clothes. Magazines. Unopened mail. It looks like an episode of Hoarders in here. What you won’t notice though, is that the clutter isn’t due to laziness. It’s partially due to the fact that I’m overwhelmed, and partially due to the fact that I can’t seem to muster up the energy and the focus to finish anything besides this plate of tater tots. Hell, if I make it through this blog post, it will be a miracle.
I’ve gone through deep depressions before, but none that seemed to linger quite like this one, and none that didn’t seem to have a specific trigger. I don’t know why, but it’s easier when you can blame the dull ache on something. There are definitely things that have exacerbated the depression…As of late, it seems I’m surrounded by drama. Catty people who tear others apart every chance that they get because of their own insecurities. I’m feeling very disillusioned. It seems I’m constantly butting heads with people, but that’s more of a symptom than the cause.
I’m biding my time, waiting for it to pass, because there isn’t a whole lot else I can do. I try to make myself as comfortable as possible, doing things that might at least temporarily cheer me up. But it’s kind of like eating a popsicle when you have a sore throat–it makes you feel better for a bit, but does nothing to address the underlying cause, and after awhile, your throat hurts all over again.
I suppose the good news is that life goes on, despite what’s going on in my head. I might have some additional work coming to me. I’m waiting on some packages in the mail from Threadless and Modcloth. Things keep changing, which is good, because it makes it harder for me to get “stuck”.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at, at the moment. This is a poor excuse for a post, but I figured I should at least check in.